i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
