Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You took a bar mat shot.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
