it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
