I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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