So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
3pm strippers are depressing
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
