I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
and she was petting her beer can
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
