I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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