I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
Randomize