the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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