There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
