So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
