so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
