I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize