i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
