ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize