I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
