Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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