Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
