Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
