Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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