I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
