I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
