Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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