guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
