his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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