I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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