Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Boobs are out for the taking
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
