Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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