dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
