i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
