I think im going to throw up on grandma
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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