he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
