if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize