Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
