You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
