I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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