I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
