Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
