we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
