My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
