i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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