You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
