thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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