Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
