Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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