Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
