i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
