STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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