Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
