He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
we're so committed to being not committed
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
