my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
