Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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