its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
