ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
