got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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