The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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